New Full House: Mission to Mars
A long time ago in 2013 a young Pavel Nitchovski had a (literal) dream about starting a reboot of the show "Full House" which he watched frequently as a child. A couple of nights after that, with a couple of beers in him, he cranked out the first draft of the made-for-tv-movie "New Full House: Mission to Mars". The original script was posted on his old blog, but has been recently found, recovered, and reposted here for the sake of posterity. To this day it remains the piece of writing of which he's most proud of. Who knows? Maybe in these dark and uncertain times he'll drop acts two and three...
NEW FULL HOUSE: MISSION TO MARS
A young blonde woman is waiting in line for her turn at the graduate adviser's office in the Harvard department of astronomy. Her head is bent down, her attention completely dominated by her textbook. In the distance we hear a distant "Heads up!" as a Frisbee slams against the side of her head. She recoils in pain, looks up annoyed, and says:
Stephanie: How rude!
ROLL TITLE CREDITS
START DUBSTEP REMIX OF THE FULL HOUSE THEME SONG AS A MONTAGE OF STEPHANIE WANDERING AROUND CAMPUS PLAYS ON THE SCREEN. THE MONTAGE ENDS AS STEPHANIE WALKS INTO HER DORM ROOM
Scene 1: Stephanie slams the door to her dorm room. Her roommate Jamie stops working and looks up from her desk. Stephanie throws here backpack on the floor and plops face down on the bed.
Stephanie: What a day!
Jamie: What's the matter? Did the brilliant Stephanie Tanner run out of space breakthroughs? Were all the mysteries of the universe solved today?
Stephanie: No, Jamie, the mysteries of the universe were NOT solved today. I have a problem with the experiment I'm running and my adviser just dropped a bomb on me...
Jamie: Okay, alright, tell me what happened.
Stephanie: You know how I've been trying to triangulate the source of carbon on the surface of Mars?
Jamie: [sarcastically] No, Stephanie, I'm not aware of the single greatest achievement of this or any other century. [pan to newspaper clipping of Stephanie receiving the Nobel Prize. Headline reads "World's Youngest Scientist Finds Carbon on Mars"]
Stephanie: [ignoring her] Well, it turns out that the equipment that was shot up to Mars for the experiment has broken down. And the funding to the Harvard Astronomy program has been slashed once again so we can't send anyone to fix it.
Jamie: Oh no...can't you talk to NASA?
Stephanie: Jamie, you KNOW I can't talk to NASA. Ever since they went private they've been less and less interested in science and more and more interested in trashy entertainment.
Jamie: Yeah, but it's not like you're just talking to anyone at NASA. After all, the current owner and president is...
Scene 2: CUT TO THE MOUTH OF A SCREAMING MAN IN A CENTRIFUGE
Uncle Jesse: HAAAAAAAAAAAVEEEEE MEEEEEEEEERRRRCCCCCCYYYYYYY!
CAMERA PANS OUT TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE CENTRIFUGE AS IT COMES TO A SLOW STOP. CUT TO CONTROL BOOTH.
Joey: Aaaaand, that's a wrap!
HE GOES OUT TO THE CENTRIFUGE TO UNSTRAP JESSE
Jesse: Whoa, mama! That is the last time I ever let you convince me of anything, knucklehead!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that one before. You said that before we became radio DJs, you said that before we met the Beach Boys, and you said that before we decided to use our jingle royalty money to buy NASA. Where would we be now if we hadn't done that? Still living in Danny's house?
Jesse: [Recovering from the Centrifuge] Never mention that name to me again!
Joey: I'm sorry, Jesse. I didn't mean to bring up old wounds. [pause] I'm sorry. But it's been 8 years and he IS your brother in law...
Jesse: WAS my brother in law! WAS! He stopped being my brother in law when my sister died! And he stopped being my friend when he killed Rebecca and the kids!
Joey: Jesse, he didn't kill Rebecca and the kids!
Jesse: Didn't he? Look in my face and tell me that if he had replaced those smoke detectors in the attic Rebecca wouldn't be alive today. Look at me and tell me that!
Jesse: Do you know what it's like to come home and see your family burning alive? Do you know what it's like to know that you have to live out the rest of your life alone?
Joey: We all lost something in that fire.
Jesse: Yeah, well I lost the most. And I have to live with that. And what did Danny lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! A house that was covered by insurance and some garbage! All of his kids survived. ALL OF THEM! Meanwhile I had to bury both of mine.
Joey: I'm so sorry, Jesse. I really am. I...I just miss us is all. I miss the house. I miss the kids. Sometimes I just wonder if we couldn't have that again.
Jesse: Fuck you, Joseph. [Storms out of the room]
Joey: [despondent] Well, you did it again, Joey. You really gotta learn when to CUT IT OUT.
CAMERA PANS OVER JOEY'S SHOULDER AND FOCUSES ON THE TELEVISION BEHIND HIM.
Scene 3: A weatherman is battered by a hurricane.
Weatherman: ...WE CAN EXPECT THIS STORM TO GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER! I'M BERT SMILING. BACK TO YOU IN NEW YORK, DANNY!
Danny Tanner: Thanks, Bert. Our thoughts and prayers are with the people of Miami. We'll hear from you tomorrow. For everyone here at CNN, I'm Danny Tanner. Good Night, America.
THE CAMERA TURNS OFF AND THE LIGHTS GO DOWN. DANNY BEGINS TO TAKE OFF HIS MICROPHONE, A WOMAN APPROACHES HIM AND BEGINS TO REMOVE HIS MAKEUP. CUT TO DANNY ENTERING HIS DRESSING ROOM. HE SITS DOWN BY THE MIRROR AND POURS HIMSELF A HEFTY GLASS OF WHISKEY. HE TAKES A SIP, LOOKS AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SIGHS.
Danny: Look at you, Tanner. What happened? [takes another sip] You're living the dream, but you're so alone...There was once a time when you had everything: a house, a girlfriend...a family. Now what do you have? A fat bank account, a coke habit, and daughters who won't talk to you.
DANNY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS HANDS AND BEGINS TO TAKE OFF HIS SHIRT. AS HE DOES SO WE SEE THAT HIS WHOLE BODY IS COVERED IN HORRIBLE BURNS. DANNY SIGHS AS HE CHANGES OUT OF HIS CLOTHES IN SILENCE, WHISKEY IN HAND.
CUT TO SEVERAL HOURS LATER, A DRUNK DANNY IS STUMBLING OUT OF A CAB. HE CAN BARELY MAKE IT UP TO HIS FANCY APARTMENT. AS HE UNLOCKS THE DOOR, HE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND DRUNKENLY DIALS SOMEONE.
Danny: Listen. Honey. It's me, your dad. It's Danny Tanner. GOOOOOD MOOOORNING, SAN FRANSISCO! HAHA! Hey. Look, I'm sorry DJ. I'm so sorry. I hope you're happy. I really do because life is hard. And I did my best. Oh God, I'm so sorry! First your mother, then the fire! I could have done something more. [Danny is crying slumped against the wall.] I just couldn't...I couldn't get those kids out in time...I...I...I'm so sorry, DJ.
DANNY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SLUMPS OVER IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR.CUT TO BLACK.
Scene 4: The morning sun rises over the San Francisco hills. Cut to the kitchen of a modern house. A woman in a bathrobe prepares breakfast and sets down bowls of cereal on the table. She calls down for her children and as she turns around we see a groggy, middle aged DJ Tanner. She picks up the phone and listens to her father's message from the previous night. The kids come down and eat breakfast. Steve, DJ's husband joins her in the kitchen. They both drink coffee standing up.
DJ: My dad called again.
Steve: Yeah. I saw that there was a message last night. I figured it was him.
DJ: He was drunk again.
Steve: Well, he's always drunk. And and if we know anything it's that Danny Tanner will be anal about everything. Even being an alcoholic.
DJ: That's not funny.
Steve: I'm sorry, it's just that it would be your father who would end up hitting the sauce! If there ever was a person who was straight laced, it was your dad.
DJ: Yes, well tragedy has a strange affect on people. Did I ever tell you what he did when my mom died?
DJ: He stayed up for fifteen days just cleaning. Everything had to be clean. We took three showers a day and I swear he scrubbed every inch of that house with that damn toothbrush that he carried around at all times. He thought that if the house were perfect his life would be too.
Steve: How did you get him to stop?
DJ: I didn't. He just stopped. I guess he realized that no matter how many times he polished the toilet, it wasn't going to bring my mom back. And one day he was just down at the breakfast table, on a morning like this, dressed and shaved after weeks of neglect. We never brought it up.
Steve: Wow. That's pretty scary, DJ...
DJ: Yeah. But we were kids. We were just glad to have our dad back. [takes a long sip of coffee]
Steve: Well I'm glad that I can be here for our kids. [he kisses DJ on the forehead] And who knows, he might snap out of this too. Tomorrow he might show up sober and put together at our doorstep.
DJ: Yeah...Maybe. Thanks for being here.
Steve: Of course. I love you.
[They hug. Steve catches his watch, realizes he's running late and grabs a bagel to go. He ruffles his kids' hair on the way out of the kitchen. Cut to DJ smiling--a tinge of sadness in her eye.]
[She checks up on the children then walks up the stairs and knocks on the door of what is obviously a teenager's room.]
DJ: Michelle, hurry up and get ready, you're gonna be late for school!
Michelle: [from inside] Just a minute, I'll be down in a second!
[Cut to the inside of Michelle's room. Michelle is opening a window while a young man is putting on his pants and shirt.]
Aaron: When can I see you again?
Michelle: I don't know, Aaron, like today at school?
Aaron: No, I mean, when can I see you again?
Michelle: Oh, God. Just leave for now, we'll figure it out later. This can't keep happening. We're gonna get caught eventually and I can't afford to get kicked out of DJ's house. I literally have no place to go.
Aaron: Yeah, that's what you said last time though [he goes in for a kiss but Michelle pushes him away]
[Aaron climbs out of the window, slides down the drain pipe and disappears down the street. Michelle closes the window and looks at her self in the mirror, fixing her hair. On her way down the stairs she walks past DJ's children who are on their way out the door to catch the school bus that has just pulled up. She sits down at the counter and grabs a bagel.]
DJ: There you are.
Michelle: Don't worry, I won't be late. Plus, there's nothing important happening today.
DJ: Michelle, I want you to take school more seriously. I know it's your last year but it's still possible to mess things up this late.
Michelle: God, I'm not gonna mess anything up, DJ! You seriously think I'm that big of a fuck up?
DJ: That's not what I'm saying--
Michelle: Then don't say that!
DJ: I can't talk to you when you're like this.
Michelle: Good! I'm glad! [she gets up and grabs her things to storm out]
DJ: And Michelle...
DJ: If you sneak Aaron in one more time I will kick you out. Got it?
Michelle: You got it dude!
[Michelle storms out, slamming the front door]
Scene 5: Joey and Stephanie walk through the halls of NASA. Nerdy scientists bumble about with clipboards and glasses while Joey, dressed in his traditional khakis and Hawaiian shirt strolls confidently, admiring his possessions. Stephanie looks uncomfortable.
Joey: And that right there used to be a lunar landing module. But we converted into the confession room for "Fake My Moon Landing". And that was the podium from which JFK made that speech about going into space. You know the one. Well, now it's where we keep the peanuts. [He reaches over and eats a handful] You've gotta have peanuts on hand if you're gonna be running a space and entertainment program.
Stephanie: It's all...very nice, Joey.
Joey: Here, let's go into my office.
[Joey opens the door to a lavishly decorated office. Hockey paraphernalia lines every inch of the walls. In the center is a giant pinball machine that doubles as a desk.]
Joey: Isn't this crazy!? Here, grab a bean bag chair.
[They both sit]
Joey: Gosh, it's so good to see you kiddo. How long has it been since we've seen each other?
Stephanie: Eight years.
Joey: Eight years...yeah...It doesn't feel like that long. Maybe it's because I keep seeing your face on the cover of newspapers. "The World's Youngest Scientist." Do you remember that time you drove my car into the kitchen? Who would believe that 'the world's youngest scientist' had driven my car through the kitchen?
Stephanie: Haha...yeah, I remember. I thought you would never forgive me for that.
Joey: But I did. That's what family does. Eight years...
Joey: Okay, so I assume you didn't come here to marvel at my office or listen to an old man remember better days. Is that correct?
Stephanie: It's good to see you Joey, but I have a problem.
Stephanie: As you may know, the Harvard Astronomy department is extremely underfunded. Ever since it was scientifically proven that our Universe is a pebble resting on the shell of a turtle, people have become disenchanted with space exploration and have become more and more interested in turtle studies. Money for spaceships has declined as money for turtle care has increased exponentially.
Joey: Yes. I figured as much.
Stephanie: Well I for one still care about space. If it's true that we've always been on the back of that damn turtle, then nothing's really changed. Jupiter is still out there, Mars is still out there--it's just that now they're resting on something else.
Joey: Okay, this sounds very sad, but I still don't understand why you came to me. I can't undo a discovery, Steph; no matter how many jingles I write.
Stephanie: I don't need you to write a jingle. I need your space command center.
Joey: What, NASA?
Stephanie: Yes, NASA! I am so close to finishing the experiment on Mars! If I can fix the equipment that broke down and find the source of Carbon then I'm sure I'll be able to get a tenured job at Oklahoma State University!
Joey: But, Steph, NASA doesn't even really do space stuff anymore...sure, we've got the equipment and everything. We've even got the last functioning rocket capable of landing people on Mars, but...
Stephanie: But what?
Joey: Well, for one, we don't have the people.
Stephanie: What are you talking about? We passed like a hundred people on the way to your office, all carrying clipboards and running calculations.
Joey: [dejected] Those are all hired actors. I wanted you to be impressed. There are only two scientists that work here full time and a rocket polisher to make sure that our Mars rockets is fully operational. I wanted you to be impressed.
Stephanie: Wow. Well that IS impressive.
Joey: [still dejected] That's not a real bean bag chair you're sitting in either. It's just a garbage bag that I filled with company beans...
Stephanie: Okay, that explains the weird feeling. But that doesn't matter. I HAVE people. I have the entire Harvard Space Program. They can come down here on a moment's notice and run turn the whole place into a fully functioning space command center once again. I just need your go ahead.
Joey: There's another matter. I'm not sole owner of the company. We'd have to ask Jesse.
[Jesse enters, wearing a leather jacket and cutting slices from an apple with a pocket knife]
Jesse: Ask me what?
Joey: Oh Jesse, you startled us!
Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: Hey Kiddo! [they hug] Watch the hair, huh?
Stephanie: Nothing changes, does it? Even after eight years you're still in love with your hair.
Jesse: Well I can't comb it as well as I could back in the day and I've got a couple of more grays, but I suppose, on the whole, you're right per se. Nothing changes. It's good to see you. How's space science?
Stephanie: That's actually why I'm here. I need NASA. I need your rocket to Mars to complete my experiment and secure my name in the annals of history.
Joey: Ew, why would you wanna go there?
Jesse and Stephanie: Joey!
Jesse: But didn't Joey tell you? We don't do space science at NASA anymore. It's mostly space-related reality shows and a place to get inspiration for our space themed jingles. Did you here the one about the Space Saver bags? That was written in a NASA toilet!
Stephanie: That's precisely what Joey was telling me, but like I told him, I can turn this into a fully functioning space station with my people. I just need your go-ahead.
Joey: I told her we'd need to ask you.
Jesse: Okay, I understand what you need. But there's something we need too: money. If we let all of your scientist friends in here we won't be able to film any of our hit shows or write any of our jingles. How are we supposed to make a profit then?
Stephanie: I hadn't thought about that...
Joey: Well, wait a minute, Jesse. Maybe we CAN make money AND help Stephanie out.
Jesse: And how do you propose we do that, huh?
[Joey comes around to Jesse's side. He puts his arm around him and looks out into the distance, motioning with his hand]
Joey: A reality show: about Stephanie. The 'world's youngest scientist' going to Mars! We'll film every step of the way. Her struggles, her fears, her career on the line. And every single penny will come back to our production company. That's a million dollar idea!
Jesse: Yes, yes! I can see it! Joseph, you brilliant knucklehead!
Stephanie: I would do it. I would do it for science.
Joey: There's only one catch.
Jesse and Stephanie: Uh-oh...
Joey: I want the whole family to be involved. Everyone must go to Mars.
Joey: I mean it.
Jesse: I won't share a city with that jackal Danny Tanner, and I certainly will NOT share a rocket and space station on Mars with him!
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse...
Jesse: No, you don't understand! He murdered my children! MY children! Why the hell would we all have to go?
Joey: [Aside to Jesse] I know, Jesse, I know. But it only makes sense. You and I are the only ones who really can have a handle on the situation. Financially. And you KNOW that this would make for good TV. Think about it: we can either have a show about a scientist doing her thing or we can have a show about a scientist, her drunken father, and his estranged daughters...ON MARS! You know we'll never have this kind of opportunity and you KNOW nobody else would agree to do this.
Jesse: I don't know, Joey.
Joey: Think of the money, Jesse. Think of the money. And you'd never have to see Danny. You can be in another space room the whole time. He'll be forbidden from communicating with you.
Jesse: Promise me. Promise me, Joey, that if I agree to this I'll never see his smarmy face.
Joey: I promise.
Jesse: [pause] Okay, I'm in.
Joey: Great! Steph, what about you? Are you in?
Stephanie: If this is the only way that I can complete my work, then I'll do it. For science.
Joey: It's the only way we'll make our money back.
Stephanie: Then I don't have much choice in the matter.
Joey: Great, I say this is reason to celebrate! Let's go out for a drink! Finally, we can see some money flowing into this space command station...
[as Joey closes the door behind him he whispers to himself]
...and finally we'll have our full house together again.
END OF ACT ONE